a million little pieces...

She had a pretty voice, haunting as a mermaids from a misty sea. But somehow when she moved past wishing into working toward a career, she lost her dedication and began another dream. Finally it was up to me - ..

Kathy was lighthearted, quick-witted;..she was an incurable stranger. She was a foreign body in my system, lovely though she was, and the system moved often to reject her, as gently as it could.
Soulmates we would never be. We were two boats met mid-ocean, each changing course to sail for a while in the same direction over an empty sea. Different boats on our way to different ports, and we knew it.

I had the curious sense that I was marking time, that I was waiting for something to happen before my life could pick its strange charmed way, its purpose and direction.

the bridge across forever.. R. Bach




flying up into the clouds,
knowing I have left part of me
down there with you
I will not be sad
because you gave me
just enough of yourself
to fill the empty space-
neither of us
have lost anything


the thoughts of Nanushka N. Witcomb





..i wake up frightened. With a beautiful You Am I song flowering into my mind, these words about how he 'wrote it all down on the head of a match'.


I was glad to find you there beside me. And i rolled over in the bed just to feel you and make a lover's question mark as i shaped myself into your body. I could hear you breathing.
Outside a car started up - the first worker leaving the street. It was 5 a.m exactly, the alarm clock glowing red.
I hadn't written with any love or strength of for weeks. And i was still trying to finish this book, the document of a journey we had both been on. But there were two journeys really. The one we experienced as we travelled around the world. Then the one i took writing.
I was writing my way back to you - and to myself too. Some cliche about finding myself in foreign places and then refinding myself with the words that bucked and flew up out of an emotion or a sideways thought some two years later. So this is reflection.

I've always been frightened I could live more honestly on the page than in my life. For the past few years i'd been on a journey with words as well as the physical journey that inspired them. Not understanding what those words were about or where they were going, but groping through them into myself and out into the world. Crossing the river, stone by stone. Thinking in the worst times that these words might take me apart from you for good. That i was just running into them, running into words and getting lost.
Now i wake up frightened on a wet spring morning still in darkness. Not out of a dream, but out of a non-dream. I may as well have been dead.
It's happened before. A nothing there feeling inside of me. I wonder where these emptying, unsoulful aches come from?
But this time i'm lucky. A song lands in my head and makes me feel better straight away. So i go downstairs to find some pen and paper and get a feeling down...

M. Mordue, Dastgah




midday matinee



he: I've gotta catch my ride.


she: So go.


he: I did.


I thought maybe you were a nut,


but you were exciting.


she: I wish you'd stayed.


he: I wish I'd stayed too. Now I wish I'd stayed.


I wish I'd done a lot of things.


Oh, God, I wish I had...


I wish I'd stayed. I do.


she: Well, I came back downstairs, and you were gone.


he: I walked out. I walked out the door.


Why? I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid.


I was like... It was above my head. I don't know.


she: You were scared?


he: Yeah.


Thought you knew that about me.


I ran back to the bonfire, trying to out run my humiliation, I think.


she: Was it something I said?


he: Yeah.


You said, "So go"...


with such disdain, you know?


she: Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay.


Joely?


What if you stayed this time?


he: I walked out the door.


There's no memory left.


she: Come back and make up a good-bye, at least.


Let's pretend we had one.


Bye, Joel.


I love you.


Meet me in Montauk.

decks, E's and midnight runners...

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. you have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.
No artist is pleased...there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

- Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille




...the forty year old virgin...

STEVE: You know what, I respect women, I love women.

I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them.




meanwhile, back at the ranch..


CLEMENTINE
I saw you sitting over here. By
yourself. I thought, thank God, someone
normal, who doesn't know how interact at
these things either.

JOEL
Yeah. I don't ever know what to say.

CLEMENTINE
I can't tell you how happy I am to hear
that. I mean, I don't mean I'm happy
you're uncomfortable, but, yknow... I'm
such a loser. Every time I come to a
party I tell myself I'm going to be
different and it's always exactly the
same and then I hate myself after for
being such a clod.

JOEL
Even then I didn't believe you entirely.
I thought how could you be talking to me
if you couldn't talk to people?

VOICE-OVER
But I thought, I don't know, I thought it
was cool that you were sensitive enough
to know what I was feeling and that you
were attracted to it.

CLEMENTINE
But, I don't know, maybe we're the normal
ones, y'know? I mean, what kind of
people do well at this stuff?

VOICE-OVER
And I just liked you so much.

CLEMENTINE (CONT'D)
You did? You liked me?

JOEL
You know what I did.

CLEMENTINE
Yeah, I know. I'm fishing.

JOEL
You said --

She picks a drumstick off of Joel's plate.


CLEMENTINE
I'm Clementine. Can I borrow a piece of
your chicken?

JOEL
And you picked it out of my plate before
I could answer and it felt so intimate
like we were already lovers.




meanwhile somewhere on the Left Bank....



Céline: I was thinking...for me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. (Cut to interior of the car.) It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.


Jesse: Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's never around?



Céline: Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves, and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside. When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!


Jesse: No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...



Céline: Yeah, but when I do it quickly makes me nauseous! It's a disaster... I mean I'm really happy only when I'm on my own. Even being alone...it's better than...sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be all romantic. You start off that way and after you've been screwed over a few times...you...you…you forget about all your delusional ideas and you just take what comes into your life. That's not even true I haven't been...screwed over, I've just had too many blah relationships. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but... there were no real...connection or excitement. At least not from my side.


Jesse: God, I'm sorry, is it...is it really that bad? It's not, right?


Céline: (Shaking her head with eyes nearly watering.) You know...it's not even that. I was...I was fine, until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit up, you know? It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like...I don't believe in anything that relates to love. I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way...I put all my romanticism into that one night, and I was never able to feel all this again. Like...somehow this night took things away from me and...I expressed them to you, and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!


Jesse: I... I don't believe that. I don't believe that.



Céline: You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny...every single of my ex’s...they're now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and…


Jesse: (Smiling sympathetically.) Oh God. (Rubs his face with both hands.)


Céline: …and that I taught them to care and respect women!


Jesse: (Pointing at himself.) I think I'm one of those guys.


Céline: (Yelling.) You know, I want to KILL them!! Why didn't they ask ME to marry them? I would have said "No", but at least they could have asked!! But it's my fault, I know it's my fault, because...I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...EVIL!! RIGHT??!!



Jesse: (Sheepishly.) Can I talk?



Céline: (Speaking more quietly.) You know, I guess I've been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.



Jesse: You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain, at the expense of en...




Céline: I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... like...you know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb. I don't feel pain, or excitement. I'm not even bitter, I'm just...uh…


fade to gray

..nothing looks the same in the light...

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot?


"The world forgetting, by the world forgot.


"Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.


Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned. "





Albert Camus suggested that we fall in love with people because, from the outside, they look so , both physically whole and emotionally ‘together’, when subjectively we feel so dispersed and confused. Lacking a coherent narrative, a stable personality, a fixed direction, a thematic unity, we hallucinate such qualities in the other. Was there not something of this in my relationship with Chloe, namely that from the outside, (prior to epidermal contact), she seemed so wonderfully controlled, possessed of a distinct and continuous character, whereas post-coitally I saw her as vulnerable, prone to collapse, dispersed, needy? Was this not a case of Nietzechean self, the mere sum of it’s actions, attached and sexually attracted to the idea of Bishop Butlers ‘essential’ self? Therefore the echo of Bob Dylan’s celebrated ‘Don’t fall apart on me( tonight)’ after the tears had flowed’

Alain de Botton




..come la rugiada che risveglia i fiori senza luce ne rilevo le forme..




The ex-Beatle also complained about the personal downside of his talent.
"It's not fun being a genius," he said. "It's torture."
On a more positive note, Lennon talked about the contentment he found with Ono compared with the other types of pleasure and gratification he had experienced.
"I've been through it all, and nothing works better than to have somebody you love hold you."





EXT. PARK - DAY

Joel walks with Naomi.

NAOMI
So what's going on, Joel?

JOEL
I don't know, I've just been thinking,
maybe we're not happy with each other.

NAOMI
What?

JOEL
Y'know, we've been, I don't know, sort
of, unhappy with each other and --

NAOMI
Don't say "we" when you mean "you."

JOEL
I think maybe, we're both so used to
operating at this level that -- How can
one person be unhappy? If one person is
unhappy, both have to be... by
definition.

NAOMI
Bullshit. Who is it? You met someone.

JOEL
No. I just need some space, maybe.

NAOMI
The thing is, Joel, whatever it is you
think you have with this chick, once the
thrill wears off, you're just going to be
Joel with the same fucking problems.

JOEL
It's not somebody else.

VOICE-OVER
I hate myself.

Naomi walks off. Joel watches her. The scene fades.

clouds in my coffee

Joel: If only I could
meet someone new.



I guess my chances of that happening
are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know.

Maybe I should
get back together with Naomi.



She was nice.
Nice is good.



She loved me.



Why do I fall in love
with every woman I see...who shows me the least bit of attention?






Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself, a private pain that is as bitter-sweet as it is self-induced. But as soon as love is reciprocated, one must be prepared to give up the passivity of simply being hurt and take on the responsibility of perpetrating hurt oneself.

A. de Botton






I've learned...

I've learned...
maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned...
it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned...
you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved; the rest is up to them.

I've learned...
no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned...
it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned...
either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned...
it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned...
you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned...
you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned...
you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.

I've learned...
you can do something in an instant something that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned...
you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned...
you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned...
we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned...
regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned...
heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned...
money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned...
my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned...
sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned...
sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned...
true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned...
just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned...
no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned...
it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned...
no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned...
our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned...
just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned...
we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned...
even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned...
you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned...
two people can look at the exact same thing and see something different.

I've learned...
no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned...
your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned...
even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned...
credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned...
the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. Cherish and appreciate them now.

I've learned...
regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned...
it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned...
if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

I've learned...
you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note.

I've learned...
life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned...
that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her needs to cast blame on others.

I've learned...
no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned...
motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

I've learned...
you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned...
making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life".

I've learned...
you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned...
if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned...
whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned...
every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love human touches - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned...
that I still have a lot to learn.






...scenes from a mall...


Joel climbs stairs, searches the aisle, spots Clementine.

JOEL
Hi.

She turns.

CLEMENTINE
I didn't think you'd show your face
around me again. I figured you were
humiliated. You did run away, after all.

JOEL
Sorry to track you down like this. I'm
not a stalker. But I needed to see you.

CLEMENTINE
(seemingly uninterested)
Yeah?

JOEL
I'd like to... take you out or something.

CLEMENTINE
Well, you're married.

JOEL
Not yet. Not married.

CLEMENTINE
Look, man, I'm telling you right off the
bat, I'm high maintenance. So I'm not
going to tiptoe around your marriage or
whatever it is you got going there. If
you want to be with me, you're with me.

JOEL
Okay.

CLEMENTINE
So make your domestic decisions and maybe
we'll talk again.

She goes back to stacking. Joel stands there helplessly.

JOEL
I just think that you have some kind
of... quality that seems really important
to me.

The scene is disintegrating. Clementine's speech is
delivered without passion.

CLEMENTINE
Joel, I'm not a concept. I want you to
just keep that in your head. Too many
guys think I'm a concept or I complete
them or I'm going to make them alive, but
I'm just a fucked-up girl who is looking
for my own peace of mind. Don't assign
me yours.

JOEL
I remember that speech really well.

CLEMENTINE
(smiling)
I had you pegged, didn't I?

JOEL
You had the whole human race pegged.

CLEMENTINE
Probably.

JOEL
I still thought you were going to save
me. Even after that.

CLEMENTINE
I know.

JOEL
It would be different, if we could just
give it another go around.

CLEMENTINE
Remember me. Try your best. Maybe we
can.

The scene is gone.

..on trying to catch water, in a net...

If for an instant God were to forget that I am a rag doll and gifted me with a piece of life, possibly I wouldn't say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say. I would value things, not for their worth, but for what they mean. I would sleep little, dream more, understanding that for each minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep. I would listen when others talk, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream! If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply, throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only my body but also my soul.

My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show. Over the stars I would paint with a Van Gogh, dream a Benedetti poem, and a Serrat song would be the serenade I'd offer to the moon. With my tears I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals . . . My God, if I had a piece of life . . .

I wouldn't let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them.

I would convince each woman and each man that they are my favorites, and I would live in love with love. I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love! To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own. I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting. So much have I learned from you, my fellowmen . . .

I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is in how it is scaled. I have learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the first time with his tiny fist his father's finger, he has him trapped forever. I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other get to his feet.

From you I have learned so many things, but in truth they won't be of much use, for when they put me in that suitcase, unhappily shall I be dying."



(attributed to, but not actually by) GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ




SON: And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore.
They left me completely fuckin' numb.
I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, okay?
And for that...
For that, I'm here to forgive you.
You always said all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted.
Maybe what Mom wanted more than anything was for it to all be over.
And for me...
what I want more than anything in the world is for it to be okay with you...
for me to feel something again.
Even if it's pain.


Father: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation.
That's a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?


SON: This is my life, Dad.
This is it.
I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start.
So, no, no, I don't think it's too much to take on...
because it's everything there is.
I see now it's all there is.
You and I are going to be okay.
You know that, right?
We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but...
for the first time, let's just allow ourselves
to be whatever it is we are.

And that'll be better, okay?

I think that'll be better....


Garden State (2004)




a prelude from Me, You and Everyone I know...


Old man: Ellen broke up with me.



Christine: What? Why?



Old man: She thinks she's
gonna die this week.



Christine: No. Out of everyone at Saint Tod,
she is the least likely person to die.



Old man: Well, she's usually right.
She's been right about everyone else.

I lived a whole life with a woman
I didn't even really like.
We traveled all over the world together.
And (yet) Ellen and I never even left the grounds.



Christine: Well, actually I took you
to the IMAX that one time.



Old man: Yeah, but I wanted to take her
to the Mayan ruins in Guatemala.
She really wanted to see those.



Christine: Yeah, that just seems weird that
she wouldn't want to be with you...
you know,if her time was coming.



Old man: I've long since stopped
trying to make people...
do things they don't want to do.



Christine: But she's the love of your life.
You're just gonna let her go?



Old man: No. She's just... going.



eine kleine von: ESOTSM


Clementine:Joely?


Joel: Yeah, Tangerine?



Clementine: Am I ugly?


Joel: Mm-mmm.

Clementine: When I was a kid,
I thought I was.
Can't believe I'm crying already.
Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is
to be a kid.
Like you don't matter.
So, I'm eight...and I have these toys,
these dolls.
My favorite is this ugly girl doll
who I call Clementine.
And I keep yelling at her:

"You can't be ugly! Be pretty!"

It's weird.
Like if I can transform her,

I would magically change too.



Joel: You're pretty.


Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.

Pretty. Pretty.
Pretty. Pretty.






I changed my looks but I still felt the same
I rearranged my house
But I still lived there
I changed my lovers
But I still wanted you
I changed but I didn’t
Because we can never be anything
But a variation of our self.

TERRELL