..less like a lake and more like a moat...

"I am Indian. To be more accurate, I was raised in England, but my parents came from India
- land, people, government or self
- 'Indian'
- what does that mean?

At this time the government of India is testing nuclear weapons - Am I less Indian if I don't defend their actions? Less Indian for being born and raised in Britain? - For not speaking Hindi? Am I not English because of my cultural heritage? - Or the colour of my skin? Who decides? - 'History' tells me my heritage came from the 'Sub' continent - a 'third world' country, a 'developing' nation, a 'colonized' land - So what is history? - For me, just another arrogant Eurocentric term ... I learned only about Russian, European and American history in my school syllabus - India, Pakistan, Africa - these places were full of people whose history did not matter - the enslaved, the inferior.

This is an album with a time span that runs backwards - it begins with the Indian Prime Minister - Vajpayee - proudly announcing the testing of 3 nuclear bombs on Indian soil. Vajpayee is the leader of the BJP - The 'Hindu fundamentalist' Party. These tests first took place in 1998. In 1945, two years before the Independence of India, Oppenheimer, creator of the atomic bomb, witnessed the first test of his creation. Afterwards he quoted from the 'Bhagavad Glta' - the Hindu 'Bible' - in condemnation of his own creation. His quote ends this album. He quotes Vishnu saying 'Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds' as he breaks down in tears'. The western creator of the bomb condemning it in the name of Hinduism, the Hindu prime minister testing it in the name of what? Progress? Should India be thanking the West for donating weapons of mass destruction? If I ever have children will they discover their heritage through BBC news bulletins about radiation sickness? - or nuclear war with Pakistan?

My mother and father are featured on this album - They speak with optimism of the future, while British Nazis like Combat 18 or the BNP rush to claim responsibility for nail bombing Asians in Brick Lane. The BJP in India. The BNP in England. The first would define me by my religious heritage letter by the colour of my skin. I believe in Hindu philosophy. I am not religious. I am a pacifist. I am a British Asian. My identity and my history are defined only by myself - beyond politics, beyond nationality beyond religion and Beyond Skin."

(Nitin Sawhney 1999 Beyond Skin)




The Skin Horse and the Rabbit

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. " You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doens't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have been carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Margery Williams

The Velveteen Rabbit





The Sixth Tuesday We Talk About Emotions

pg 104

"If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them---you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails."

pg 105

"I thought about how often this was needed in every day life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship."


Tuesdays with Morrie