nothing lasts forever sometimes...

…we lay on the bed for hours, until the room’s details – the painting, the knots in the pine, the edges of the sheepskin rug – were lost to a sluggish summer dusk. Only the white lace curtains billowing beautifully across the windows were still visible. They looked like a pair of vain ghosts circling in front of a mirror.
…it pleased me to have her lying to my left, breath soft. She had a concern for me matched only by my parents, but without the desire to steer. By sleeping together we could close ourselves off. She was like a warm room from which to listen to storms.

Pg 120-121,
The Trial of True Love, William Nicholson



‘ Have you made many new friends over there?’ , my mother asked somewhat optimistically. I nodded, then followed this nod with a shrug. My mother knew of my tendency to avoid people, to remain on the periphery, watching. But clearly she hoped Japan had cast a social spell. I thought about explaining the truth: that Japan had only removed the guilt of isolation, not solved it. Whereas once I had felt awkward and alone amidst my family, my school and hundreds of others with my skin tone, my accent, my exact eye shape and colour, in Japan I was an outsider by default. It was automatic. Japan expected nothing from me. No laborious introductions, no ritualized meet and greet, no chit chat, nothing with subtle layers of judgement leading to exclusion…

Tuvalu, Andrew O'Connor



SHE: ‘Once I was in hospital. I was watching mid afternoon tv. You know what it’s like at that hour, all kids shows – educational stuff. The one I was watching had a segment on Tuvalu and I’ve never forgotten the place. It wasn’t a remarkable show or anything, not at all. The presenter did a dive, went to a village and stayed in a bungalow. But to me, then, it looked like somewhere to go. Somewhere to want to go. Everyone has a place like that. A dream land or life they’re working towards, however vaguely.’

ME: Why?

SHE: Because without it we realize we’re obliged to die wanting.


ME: You don’t think you’re being just a tad melodramatic?

SHE: Am I? Some people probably have more than one Tuvalu in a life. It changes as they grow. Or maybe they get to the first and find it’s nothing like what they imagined and need a new one. You must have had at least one?
… I guess for me Tuvalu’s always done the trick. I’ve never been anywhere near it. I’ve never even studied it. For all I know it might well have sunk. But that one words taken on a meaning all of it’s own. At this she grinned. Don’t look so puzzled. Haven’t you ever once looked into the future and pictured a different life for yourself, made it a destination in some abstract way? A place in which you’re content and from which you never look forward, except to hope for more of the same? You must have. You’re just not telling….

ME: Why don’t you just go there?, I asked.

SHE: No….

ME: I think you should see what’s there, get it out of your system. Do it before it’s too late…

Tilly shifted on the swing and frowned. I don’t want to.


ME: Why not? What’s the point of having a dream without trying to live it.


SHE: I didn’t say it was a dream, not exactly. It’s similar but different.
….It serves a purpose as it is. Prehaps once, perhaps in that hospital, it was somewhere I wanted to go. Now it’s just what it is.


ME: Which is what?


She shrugged. We all have to look forward to something, don’t we?


ME: But if it’s fake, why-


SHE: It’s not. It’s real. That’s the problem. There is no perfect place to live. If all I knew was satisfaction it’d soon develop colours, shades, some of which I’d take to calling dissatisfaction since they’re not half as pleasing as the original. After a while those differences would feel very severe to me and I’d be back where I started. I’d be back here. And knowing that, in order to keep Tuvalu I have to keep away from it. Anyway, if I really believed I was going there, going to find a Tuvalu, I’d never live. I’d live only in waiting.


ME: So how do you keep it and keep away? By lying to yourself?


SHE: In a way. And by accepting this is life. I’ll be me anywhere. I just sometimes picture the place and pretend it’s still coming.


Tuvalu, Andrew O'Connor