a million little pieces...

She had a pretty voice, haunting as a mermaids from a misty sea. But somehow when she moved past wishing into working toward a career, she lost her dedication and began another dream. Finally it was up to me - ..

Kathy was lighthearted, quick-witted;..she was an incurable stranger. She was a foreign body in my system, lovely though she was, and the system moved often to reject her, as gently as it could.
Soulmates we would never be. We were two boats met mid-ocean, each changing course to sail for a while in the same direction over an empty sea. Different boats on our way to different ports, and we knew it.

I had the curious sense that I was marking time, that I was waiting for something to happen before my life could pick its strange charmed way, its purpose and direction.

the bridge across forever.. R. Bach




flying up into the clouds,
knowing I have left part of me
down there with you
I will not be sad
because you gave me
just enough of yourself
to fill the empty space-
neither of us
have lost anything


the thoughts of Nanushka N. Witcomb





..i wake up frightened. With a beautiful You Am I song flowering into my mind, these words about how he 'wrote it all down on the head of a match'.


I was glad to find you there beside me. And i rolled over in the bed just to feel you and make a lover's question mark as i shaped myself into your body. I could hear you breathing.
Outside a car started up - the first worker leaving the street. It was 5 a.m exactly, the alarm clock glowing red.
I hadn't written with any love or strength of for weeks. And i was still trying to finish this book, the document of a journey we had both been on. But there were two journeys really. The one we experienced as we travelled around the world. Then the one i took writing.
I was writing my way back to you - and to myself too. Some cliche about finding myself in foreign places and then refinding myself with the words that bucked and flew up out of an emotion or a sideways thought some two years later. So this is reflection.

I've always been frightened I could live more honestly on the page than in my life. For the past few years i'd been on a journey with words as well as the physical journey that inspired them. Not understanding what those words were about or where they were going, but groping through them into myself and out into the world. Crossing the river, stone by stone. Thinking in the worst times that these words might take me apart from you for good. That i was just running into them, running into words and getting lost.
Now i wake up frightened on a wet spring morning still in darkness. Not out of a dream, but out of a non-dream. I may as well have been dead.
It's happened before. A nothing there feeling inside of me. I wonder where these emptying, unsoulful aches come from?
But this time i'm lucky. A song lands in my head and makes me feel better straight away. So i go downstairs to find some pen and paper and get a feeling down...

M. Mordue, Dastgah




midday matinee



he: I've gotta catch my ride.


she: So go.


he: I did.


I thought maybe you were a nut,


but you were exciting.


she: I wish you'd stayed.


he: I wish I'd stayed too. Now I wish I'd stayed.


I wish I'd done a lot of things.


Oh, God, I wish I had...


I wish I'd stayed. I do.


she: Well, I came back downstairs, and you were gone.


he: I walked out. I walked out the door.


Why? I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid.


I was like... It was above my head. I don't know.


she: You were scared?


he: Yeah.


Thought you knew that about me.


I ran back to the bonfire, trying to out run my humiliation, I think.


she: Was it something I said?


he: Yeah.


You said, "So go"...


with such disdain, you know?


she: Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay.


Joely?


What if you stayed this time?


he: I walked out the door.


There's no memory left.


she: Come back and make up a good-bye, at least.


Let's pretend we had one.


Bye, Joel.


I love you.


Meet me in Montauk.